A full year passed, during which I taught courses on Franciscan spirituality to brothers and sisters, almost without pauses. Given the structure of the Weeks there was no opportunity to carry out, at least in an orderly manner, the deserts, not even the intense moments.
This year for the first time in my life I was able to verify experimentally, an alarming phenomenon: when prayerful activity is neglected, God begins to transform into an increasingly absent, distant, and non-existent reality, and ends up being a concept; and, in a fatal vicious circle, the desire to be with Him is lost.
By the measure that this takes place, enemies are born, grow and dominate self-love, susceptibility, bad mood, pride… I observed all this in myself. I panic; and I concluded that the “intense moments” explicitly dedicated to cultivating personal contact with the Lord, are a matter of life or death for a man consecrated to God.
I also clearly perceived something else: how easy it is to leave Jesus to dedicate oneself to the things of Jesus! He rationalizes himself very easily by stating that apostolic emergencies have priority in everything, and that today the most important thing is not to pray, but to commit oneself to those in need. Consequently, Jesus is left in second place. Immediate result? Jesus stops being that gratifying presence, and, along this path, He ends up being a frozen, disenchanted Jesus Christ. Now: without a living Jesus Christ, what is the meaning of evangelical life, celibacy, denying oneself, returning good for evil, forgiving the enemy? Everything turns into repression, and nothing makes sense.
In that vertiginous year I became aware of how, so imperceptibly, I, too, could fall into that mortal circle, and that the high experiences from past times are not worth it if one does not persevere. I therefore made a firm resolution: since during the day the program of activities did not allow me to fully comply with the intense moments, I decided to get up early every day and dedicate sixty minutes to cultivating private life with God, before beginning the morning movement. And, with rare exceptions, I have done so since then, in 1970, until now, and always in the same room where I slept.
Life experience also taught me that, if the intense moments are not put into practice first thing in the morning, commitments are precipitated throughout the day until, without realizing it, the night has already surprised us by falling asleep.
It has not been easy for me to keep this resolution of daily intense moments in place for 27 years. It is soon said, but the truth is that countless obstacles have stood in the way, and it has taken stubborn determination to be able to persevere against all odds.
Taken from the book “The Rose and the Fire” chapter IV “Turbulences and ups and downs” by Father Ignacio Larrañaga.
