We have struggled against the storms. We have walked the paths that cross the desert. We have opened our hands to fill them with stardust. But many of our dreams flew with wings of death. We are reaching the distant port.
If we do not pass from emotional love to self-sacrificing love, marriage will surely fail; that everybody loves the lovable and sympathize with the charming, but in order to forgive an offense, I have to die to the instinct for revenge.
But then no one dies for pleasure, no one forgives for pleasure. To die to something that is alive does not give enjoyment but pain instead. It is like “giving one’s life” but then no one gives one’s life for pleasure because the primary instinct of the human is to seek what is pleasant and avoid the unpleasant.
Resentful persons experience a certain pleasure by taking revenge. The majority of persons feel a mysterious satisfaction when responding back to a shout with a shout. That is what is spontaneous and natural. To do the opposite, like keeping silence when shouted at, and showing patience before an affront, that is not spontaneous.
In order to be able to return good for evil, it is indispensable to have a true revolution regarding the ancestral laws of the heart. Now, who will perform this revolution? Someone who must come from the outside and occupy both hearts. And this Someone has a proper name: Jesus Christ.
Only Jesus Christ can occupy the most intimate recesses of the heart and effect so great satisfaction that will compensate the cost of having to die to self in order to love.
Only by clinging strongly to Jesus Christ who is alive and vibrant with all the unifying energies, only then can one tighten one’s jaws, swallow one’s saliva, keep silent and respond to a shout with silence, and an explosive outburst with serenity.
Only Jesus can cause a spouse satisfaction and happiness when he/she decides to keep the one’s nerves in control, calm the instincts, and refrain from reprisals.
Only Jesus can reverse the laws of the heart putting forgiveness where the instincts clamor for vengeance, putting gentleness where the heart demands violence, putting love where egoism reigns.
This is the revolution imposed on the ancient laws of the human heart. The fundamental secret of a happy and long life together in marriage lies in replacing the spontaneous reactions of instinct with the convictions of faith, in the intimacy with Jesus.
Only Jesus can descend until the farthest depths where the children of egoism reside, in order first to control them, and then transform them into energies of acceptance. It is only Jesus who can redeem the savage impulses of abysmal instincts, on condition that the Lord be alive personally in my conscience.
Every one of us knows what the spontaneous impulses of the heart are:
A thundering shout here,
Launch a sarcasm there,
Always cast the blame on the other,
Never exercise self-criticism,
Retreat into rancorous silence,
Exact today revenge for an old offense,
React disproportionately to an insignificant imagined slight,
Turn one’s gaze now, and later not speak to the other,
Remain reticent that he may know that which I already know,
Give free rein to suspicions …
These (and many else besides) are some of the spontaneous impulses that always arise from two typical characteristics: surprise and violence. Impulsive personalities tend to be compulsive: they personalities who, in least expected moments, commit or do something out of proportion of which they regret the next moment.
When savage impulses try to raise their heads by surprise, Stop! Husband, wife, Wake up! Beware! That is not the style of Jesus, that is not the teaching of Jesus, that is not the example of Jesus. Ask yourself urgently: What would Jesus do in my place? How would He react? What would He feel? What would He say? How would He act?
When the husband or wife recall:
How Jesus returned good for evil,
How He kept silence before His accusers and judges,
With what kindness He treated the traitor,
With how much love He looked to the Father,
With what love did He looked at Peter,
How He forgave seventy times seven,
How compassionate was He towards all the weak …
When the husband or the wife contemplates this Jesus with the eyes of the soul, they will react with kindness, gentleness and patience before whatever surprising and turbulent emergency of life.
When, in an unguarded moment, one of the spouses be assaulted by a ferocious impulse, and in an incontrollable instant, commits a barbarity, never mind. First, do not be frightened. Secondly, do not be ashamed. Thirdly, acknowledge humbly having a bad moment. Fourthly, ask an apology and resolve to watch over oneself so as to act in the future in accordance with the sentiments of Jesus.
With the cooperation of the spouses, it is Jesus Himself who will lead the spouses by the hand towards the dreamed of maturity. Indeed. Jesus Himself will crown the marriage adventure with success.
Extracted from the book ´Happy Marriage´ by Fr. Ignacio Larrañaga
