It is difficult to unravel and explicitly describe the significance of the term “freedom” within the context of married life. What does it really mean to feel free within married togetherness?
Whatever impedes the integral growth of each spouse is an attack against freedom. Where there is no respect, there is no freedom, and where there is no freedom, we are assaulting the most sacred nucleus of the person.
Where there is no freedom, there is terror; and under the shadow of terror all the weeds of complexes and traumas are born and grow which then proceed inexorably to asphyxiate and choke the process of human maturation.
The attitude that very frequently derails freedom within marriage is termed domination.
But this domination does not always announce itself by a roll of drums or compulsive behavior. We do not mention here those who dominate with rudeness. There are spouses who, very subtly, lead the other spouse against its inclination, not by the force of a gale but by wings of a breeze.
When the victim becomes aware of what is happening, it already feels fearful, diminished and without any capacity to react. In this way can we understand certain cases we have encountered throughout life.
In the sight of all, the marriage appears to function admirably. The marriage seems a model of harmony and maturity. Then the husband dies. After a reasonable time, of what a surprise! the widow is seen as though she begins to live, clothed with a measured happiness, the joy of someone who finally enjoys the freedom of living. Her widowhood has an air of liberation. An evident sign that, despite appearances, at the bottom of such married relationship there reigned a veiled domination.
The dominator tries to control the other, not necessarily in a manner that is gross. He subjects it first to a trial. He gives orders not always in an authoritarian manner. He promotes – and we are not sure whether consciously or unconsciously – complexes of inferiority, or better said, of insecurity. He adduces reasons, which are not really reasons but pretexts, to keep the spouse within the house. All this is done, above all, in the long process of adaptation. In the end, at the least expected moment, the wife may find herself resigned in a situation of resigned submissiveness and dependence. She has been completely domesticated.
Obviously, it does not always happen that way. We cannot generalize. In addition, fortunately, contemporary culture breathes a different atmosphere. One of the great dreams of the present culture is the recovery and promotion of women’s rights. But despite this, we have a more firm conviction that we must not be careless in insisting on the sacred and inalienable character equally of both spouses from which emanates respect, freedom, and mutual commitments.
Spouses should never make of love a chain, rather an opening spaces of freedom between both, avoiding at all cost converting love into a symbiosis.
Only spouses who are psychically [emotionally] free can establish a healthy marital relationship.
Extracted from the book “Happy Marriage” by Fr. Ignacio Larrañaga
